Problems, schmoblems. Tuesday, Apr 15 2008

Loving God, you watch over me. You keep a careful guard on my life and direction. Truly, I will never lack a single thing that I need.

You lead me to beautiful places that are pleasantness and peace to my fickle heart. You quiet my longings with true water that will not let me thirst again. I rest with you.

You lift my heart in all of its despondency. You help me look forward to what could be, and show me the good that awaits me in You. For this you are worthy of my heart’s devotion, though I often need to be convinced. 

Even if I should fall into blackness so deep that I lose my head, I can no longer fear for myself. You are too close for that, You always reach out in some way, you always light the path. My soul then rests in You.

You show me your sweet love in the middle of all my questionings about who loves me and who isn’t real. I am at peace with anyone, because you anoint me, and assure me of your never-ending love to me. My spirit is overwhelmed by your blessing.

What can I say? Your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. I will never be separated from you; every moment of me is known to you, and loved dearly. Your house awaits me God, and I can’t wait.

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One more Piece to the Puzzle Tuesday, Apr 8 2008

As if all those other quotes weren’t enough…

“…we spend too much time exploring our badness, dwelling on our pain, and understanding the darkness within us in hopes of weakening our unruly passions. Or we disregard the mess as nothing but an opportunity for excuse making and exhort people to live up to good standards. Neither approach properly takes into account the state of affairs brought about by the New Covenant.”

- Larry Crab, Connecting

This quote is the centerpiece of yesterday’s post. It sets the groundwork for what all the others say.

If I can continue his thought, I would say that redemption is not a process. Redemption is instantaneous removal of sin, the change of our spirits in the blink of an eye, a flooding of light into the dark catacombs of our hearts. It is both the starting point of all true life, and the most completely realized work ever brought to fruition in the history of the world. That is the New Covenant, that we are new!

What I’m saying is, and what I believe Crabb is saying is stop demanding perfection of yourself. Stop telling yourself that you’re just too big of a mess for anyone to figure out. I am sure of these two things, I will never live perfectly, and I will never figure myself out. And that’s ok.

Instead of going ever deeper into the negative side of how I’m not living up to Christ’s standard (because I’m definitely not), I’m going to look deeper into what He has placed within me. Surely, the Spirit will do more than draw me to my psychological problems. I’ve been told that it will change the very life that is within me. Deeper probing into our darkness without an equally deep understanding of our redeemed nature leads us only to despair.

I want to think on this deeply: Is there something good that Christ believes about me that I don’t believe about myself?

All of these thoughts have come because of reading Crabb’s book, Connecting. I recommend a lot of books. If you are resonating with any of the thoughts that I’m putting down, I suggest you read it.

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Puzzle Pieces Monday, Apr 7 2008

In thinking about incarnational living (read, Christ’s life flowing from us).

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

- St. Francis (supposedly)

A pitiful, sickly, and self-centered kind of prayer and a determined effort and selfish desire to be right with God are never found in the New Testament. The fact that I am trying to be right with God is actually a sign that I am rebelling against the atonement by the Cross of Christ. I pray, “Lord, I will purify my heart if you will answer my prayer – I will walk rightly before you if you will help me.” But I cannot make myself right with God; I cannot make my life perfect. I can only be right with God if I accept the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ as an absolute gift. Am I humble enough to accept it?

- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

The continual inner-searching we do in an effort to see if we are what we ought to be generates a self-centered, sickly type of Christianity, not the vigorous and simple life of a child of God…Launch out in reckless, unrestrained belief that the redemption is complete.

- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

All of this is so much in my head, but my heart is desperately empty of these things. I don’t know how to move them. My intellect resists such simple answers, saying that true happiness can be found by resolving all my inner foibles and past hurts, by being more self-aware.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just being alternately self-hateful and self-righteous, depending on the day and my mood. All of my inner searching really just seems like a well disguised human effort at perfection.

Jesus tells me over and over again that complete abandon to Him, a ruthless trust in His love is what I really need. What makes us whole is connection, a connection with Him, and with Him living in other people.

It’s just funny, because the more self-aware you are, the easier it is to feel really self-conscious around other people, and be unable to make those connections.

So what’s the first step? Is it another “recommitment” to “following God?” Is it finding good people to be around and hoping that the Spirit rubs off on me? Maybe it’s just trying harder to be right…right…wrong.

Trying harder is what I’ve done for the past 22 years of my life. I’ve tried harder to please, to be good, to live up to expectations, and frankly it sucks. What is my first step? Accept the guy who Jesus accepted.

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