It is inevitable, without a doubt, that the search for Jesus becomes a search for one’s self. Nobody who finds Jesus continues to be the same.Philip Yancey (translated from spanish, couldn’t find english quote) I’m currently reading a book titled Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.
For those of you unfamiliar with what codependency is, the best way I know to describe it is that a codependent person subsumes themselves in the needs, emotions, and personality of other people out of a deep need within themselves. Often times, that means that they were emotionally starved when they were kids, or they live with a very needy person, and they have, over time, become a mere appendage of that person, ignoring their own needs.
Typically, codependency goes hand in hand with alcoholism. The person living with the alcoholic becomes entirely consumed with mitigating the effects of that person’s drinking. They are caretakers, but it is an unhealthy exchange. They are not getting their needs met, and are irresponsibly meeting the needs of the addict. In the end, they find their identity in the act of caretaking.
However, many times codependency expresses itself in far more subtle ways. The condition can be expressed as a simple anxiety in social situations where the person feels obligated to make everyone else comfortable, or make everyone like them. A codependent in a large group situation is very uncomfortable because they cannot control all the outcomes. Codependents are controllers, but often unconsciously. Despite the tendency to want to be in control, they often feel completely helpless.
It’s like watching a small child walk a large dog. The child has a very deep emotional connection to the dog, and it hopes that it will not cause a mess anywhere, but the dog has control in the end. The child is along for the ride. Codependents are hanging on the leash of a million people at once, and we can’t control any of them, but we try.
We, because yes, I am one as well. I don’t think I’ve always been one, but it’s clear now that I have the right behaviors. I’m not enabling an alcoholic girlfriend, or buying drugs for my friends so that they can feel right, but I am a social manager. I think entirely too much about what other people think about me; I try to make the right impression; I ponder my tone of voice over the phone, and analyze whether or not I made a good impression. I try to be needed by people; I get mad when people don’t give anything back; I try to be everything to anyone, and usually without them asking.
When I have conversations with people, I am quick to reveal things about myself, but get frustrated when that doesn’t seem to form a genuine connection with them. I go out of my way to ask people about themselves, and feel guilty when I talk about myself. This is my codependency: that I live in reaction to the reaction of others. Gee, doesn’t that just stink!!! No…it’s not so bad, but that’s only because Jesus is teaching me the right boundaries. He’s taking me on a journey of living healthily in relationship with other people. It’s going from being codependent, to being independent, then finally becoming interdependent. (thank you Mr. Covey)
Mostly, I just wanted to post this because I think there are a lot of people, especially in the church, who struggle with these same things. Jesus lived a life of service to people that embodied sacrifice, self-denial, and astounding mercy. Unfortunately, I’m not Jesus, and I can’t do it. I need to take breaks (at the least), and step out of responsibilities at times. I want to look at whether I’m on fire for Jesus, or just burning out. Most of all, I don’t want to feel guilty for doing it. Anyone else feeling me?
