Dreams and “Sense” Monday, Oct 6 2008 

One of the theories of why dreams occur is that it is just my brain trying to make sense of the random synapse firings that go on during REM sleep. The random firings would be the result of random neurotransmitter releases in my brain.

Another theory (per Freud) is that our dreams are repressed feelings or desires, you know, having to do with sex. Freud is great and all, but I’m inclined to not believe anything he says.

A third theory is that my dreams are somehow constructions of my uninhibited thought. There are no social “guards” up when I am asleep, and so my brain goes crazy.

 

I don’t know which one I agree with. I’m not an expert on sleep, dreams, or psychology. There is one thing that caught me as I read this, though. All of the theories accept as normal that my brain must make sense of the dreams somehow. This occurs either automatically within my brain while I sleep, or after I wake up and try to “sort through” all of that content.

I need make sense of things. I need meaning, and order, and a reason for things. I don’t think I’m the only one, but that’s getting away from my point. My point is that our brains, this jumble of neurons, ions, and gray matter has a sense of what it is, and what it aught to be doing. That, in itself, is strange.

The fact that my brain has life, is sentient, and “knows” things is explained by science as being the result of complex chemical reactions. I just don’t know if I can accept that entirely. I think that physiological processes get physiological results. Obviously, we have drugs that heavily alter our states of consciousness, and our moods, emotions, etc. Here is my question, why? What is going on here?

When I tell someone I love them, and really mean it, is that just chemicals speaking? Why does my brain even bother making sense of things? Why would life become more complex, isn’t it easier to be simple, and only meet a few needs? Why involve emotions when you could survive by engulfing the other microorganisms that are in the soup with you?

I don’t like reading the end of these posts and thinking, “here comes the cheesy connection to the cosmos and everything profound.” In this case, however, I don’t know where else to go. I don’t think we’re just chemicals. If we are just chemicals, just things that interact because of this or that, then we can know each other completely. We can understand every aspect of human behavior in terms of chlorine, potassium, and sodium ions. I don’t want that. That means that human personality is finite, that love is finite, and joy is finite. They’re just another definable, classifiable, and changeable state of our human physiology.

What if we were more? What if there were another thing, outside of chemicals, that made us who and what we are? I know the chemicals are there, and they do their jobs. I’m glad they do, but I really hope they aren’t it.

Alabaster Friday, Jun 13 2008 

By Rocky Votolato

on the outside looking in / i’ve never been able to crack the code / to break the secret spell / that would open up the door and let me in / to everything I’ve been looking for so hard I’ve never seen / but I feel my strength returning tonight / its flowing from the purest well to ever give water / It spills out into an ocean where the sharks are circling / a carnival of counterfeits has no room for something real

 

arrogance and ego wrapped around every word / shouted from the pulpit as a judgment to control / these were my roots my seed was thrown in shallow soil / I grew into the thorn bushes to be scorched by the sun / but I feel the gravel move beneath my feet / the smell of the gasoline mixed in with the trees / when my faith is strong I know my strength / the threats will be screamed when the vultures fell threatened

 

so I’ll open up the door and let you in / I want to break the alabaster smell the sweet perfume / and when the bottle is broken I’ll have nothing left to give / I’ll know I’ll already have everything worth having / but I feel my strength returning tonight / its flowing from the purest well to ever give water / it spills out into and ocean where the sharks are circling / a carnival of counterfeits want to crucify something real

If only in the real world Monday, Jun 9 2008 

A while ago I had a dream where I was in some kind of exercise hall up in the mountains. I had been coming there for quite a while, and had always been alone. For some reason, when I got done working out, I never had any clothes on. Normally, this would be a big problem, but being alone, I didn’t worry about getting to my car.

One day, as I was finishing up my workout, I heard voices coming from another part of the lodge. Now the odd thing about these voices was that I was almost completely sure that they were the voices of mothers with their children. I’m not sure why that makes a difference, but it seemed to me to make the situation much more serious.

I began to panic a little bit, not knowing what to do. I still hadn’t solved this problem of my clothes disappearing promptly after my exercise sessions. So, I did the only sensible thing I thought to do. I made a run for it. I had made it quite a ways towards my car, sneaking down the dark wooden hallways of the lodge, when I arrived at a side door, and made my way outside into the sunlight.

I was for the moment hidden by bushes, but still had to cross the parking lot to get to my car. The feeling working it’s way through my mind at this point wasn’t necessarily dread, but definitely a strong apprehension. My thoughts fell along the line of, “If I have to just run, I’ll do it. Who cares if they see me.” With that in mind, I streaked from the bushes towards a planter in the middle of the parking lot. Thinking I was home free, I got ready to jump the gap between two pine trees in the landscaping.

At this point, the dream turned strange. As I jumped off the ground I felt very little resistance. I jumped nearly eight or ten feet off the ground. And I kept going. I kept floating up into the air, I’m sure looking like some kind of all too realistic UFO. The fun didn’t stop there, though. At precisely the moment when I cleared the pine trees and made my way into open air space, the parking lot began filling with young mothers and their children.

At this point I woke up, I think. Either way, I don’t remember more. Lately I’ve been dreaming more, and it seems like every dream is revealing something about myself. Most of these have been things that I feel like I’ve processed reasonably well, but this dream seemed to strike something much deeper.

I don’t like opening up to people. I don’t like being exposed. I don’t like being honest with people…really honest. I like being superficial; nice. I like deflecting with humor (witty or not). I’m scared of getting really deep with people, but I really want to do it. Maybe I need a sequel dream where I come back down to earth and all the moms say something like, “Yeah, I hate it when that happens!”

This song made me remember that dream.

 

Nightswimming by R.E.M.

Nightswimming

Deserves a quiet night

The photograph on the dashboard

Taken years ago

Turned around backwards so the windshield shows

Every street light reveals a picture in reverse

Still its so much clearer

I forgot my shirt at the waters edge

The moon is low tonight

 

Nightswimming

Deserves a quiet night

I’m not sure all these people understand

It’s not like years ago

The fear of getting caught

The recklessness in water

They cannot see me naked

These things they go away

Replaced by every day

Nightswimming

Remembering that night

September’s coming soon

I’m pining for the moon

And what if there were two

Side by side in orbit

Around the fairest sun

The bright tide that ever drawn

Could not describe

Nightswimming

 

You I thought I knew you

You I can not judge

You I thought you knew me

This one laughing quietly

Underneath my breath

Nightswimming

The photograph reflects

Every street light a reminder

Nightswimming

Deserves a quiet night

Deserves a quiet night

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